A Letter to Peter Cetera

Dear Peter Cetera,

   First of all, I’m a really big fan.  To be perfectly honest, I haven’t heard any of your recent recordings, primarily your Christmas album. I don’t really listen to much holiday themed stuff unless it’s just on in the office. But that’s really just the nature of the beast really.

  What really put you back in good graces with me was when I saw you on Tim and Eric Awesome Show, doing “Little Danson Man”. That was pretty funny. And it really kind of brought you back into the lexicon of my mind, in a good way. The skit was genuinely funny and I really got a kick out of it. Obviously their show is not on the air anymore, but for what it’s worth, it was good stuff and it really made you look like a good guy.

   Something that has always bugged me was your departure from Chicago. I know you probably hear about it all the time, and I probably won’t bring any more insight into it, but I just wanna share my thoughts on it with you. I don’t know what went down. That was a really, really long time ago, and you made a lot of great records after you left. But I’d read somewhere that you won’t answer any questions about what happened in the split, and if I remember correctly, I think your website once stated you wouldn’t answer any questions related to the time you spent in the band period. I mean, why not? If you could just put one final answer out there as to why. Like “I was sick of those dudes. They’re real dickheads. You people out there don’t realize it, but they’re complete assholes”.  Something like that. Just…anything. What did they do that pissed you off so much?

   They’re always doing these casino tours, and don’t come too far from where I live. I could actually go see them play. But to be honest, I’m like “No Cetera = I don’t care”, and that’s the end of that. I know they have that new dude, but don’t you think they’d kick him to the curb in a millisecond, for a chance to get you back in there?

   Finally, I’ve always wondered what you thought of his bass playing. As a bass player, I’m sure you have heard a newer song come on, like “Look Away” or “I Don’t Wanna Live Without Your Love”, or whatever they’ve done post-your involvement. Yeah, he’s a polished up singer, but back in your day, those bass lines were really a lot more involved. Kinda sounds like sometimes he’s just hitting an open E and just up there posing for all the middle aged fans they have. All I gotta know is this… Would it kill you to go do a couple songs with them every now and again? I’d love to hear “If You Leave Me Now” with the original lineup. Wouldn’t that be great?

   That’s about all I got right now. If there’s any way you dudes are ever gonna bury the hatchet, might wanna jump on it. Times ticking.

Thanks for “Glory of Love” and “You’re The Inspiration”.

Sincerely,

Sam Terito

A Letter to Chevy Chase

Dear Chevy Chase,

  First of all, I’m a really big fan. Your movies have been some of the awesomest things I’ve ever seen. From Caddyshack to Funny Farm, to Spies Like Us, to Fletch. Great stuff. I’ve laughed at all of them. I honestly don’t think there was one of your movies I never laughed at all in. Maybe Vegas Vacation. That was probably milking it. But either way, tremendous body of work.

   I recently read Tom Shales and James Miller’s “Live From New York”, a book all about the long history of probably one of America’s greatest treasured comedic resources, Saturday Night Live. I’m sure you have probably read it, but something that jumped out at me. They made you look like a huge dick. And I don’t think it’s fair or warranted, and it actually kind of pissed me off a little. It felt like they were picking on you. Obviously when SNL began, you guys were the guinea pigs. How were you to know that it would become some sort of institution? Your career was hot and it probably felt like it was time to move, so there was really no reason NOT to have left after the first season. I probably would have done the same thing. I also probably would have punched Bill Murray too if he came after me like he did to you. But to be fair, I’m also a big Murray fan. Hopefully the two of you have quashed that beef, but you know. I’d understand if it still lingered… It’s not like you guys are best friends, at least I’d assume.

   Something I’ve always wondered about though is your music video work. You were famously in the video for Paul Simon’s “Call Me Al”. Something I’ve always wondered – when you are at a party and that song comes on, have you ever mouthed the words? You obviously knew all the words back in 1986. Do you think you could sing the entire song if it came on right now?

That’s about all I got. Again, I love your work in all your films and I hope you continue making movies. I’ll be there watching all of them. Probably.

Sincerely,

Sam Terito

A Letter to Drew Brees

Dear Drew Brees,

First of all, I’m a really big fan. And before I say anything, I just want to thank you for what you’ve done for New Orleans, for this state, and for this region. As a fellow Louisianan, I’m grateful for not only what you do on the football field, but for the charitable things you do for all of us not just as Saints fans, but as for people. I just wanted to get that out of the way.

The real reason for writing though, is this. Does it ever end up getting to you acting like such a good guy? Listen, I’m sure you’re a great person. Probably not Tebow nice (because let’s face it, I’m not sure what is going on in that dude’s head, but at least he comes off pretty genuine), but still a pretty good guy at least. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you get that mad, for a football player. I think there was maybe one game last year, and I don’t remember which one, that I actually saw you get off the ground and go after somebody. If I remember right, you shoved them. It was probably the Lions, since they’re all a bunch of bastards by and large, but I don’t remember off hand. Maybe it was the Rams. I honestly don’t remember though.

Every time you’re on TV, for any type of interview whatsoever, be it post game or just live somewhere on set or via satellite, you always have this smile on your face and you’re being so mushy and grinny and amicable. I know being a public figure, it really helps to have the good guy image. Nobody wants to see you go all Ryan Leaf on somebody, but I know you have to get asked some pretty brain dead questions. Do you ever wanna say “That’s a stupid question…” or “Why don’t you shut up before I come over there and slap you…” or something like that? I can’t remember any really good QB’s that acted like assholes, so I know you have a little history to stand up against. I remember Phillip Rivers talking all that smack to Cutler a few years back, that kinda made him look dickish, but for the most part, the QB is a pretty nice guy.

Do you ever have a moment where you just wanna go Kenny Powers on someone? Do you ever wanna just walk to the locker room after a win, walk by Suzie Kolber and the ESPN cameras and go “Get the f*ck outta my face” and just keep walking? Maybe shove a few NFL Films Camera guys? Maybe trip a fan? I think it’s time we saw that Drew Brees. I think it’s time we saw a guy who was sick of being the good will ambassador and just started getting real.

Anyways, that’s about all I wanted to say. On a serious side note, thanks for the stuff you do for Steve Gleason’s organization. I bought a shirt and sent in some cash. It’s a moving story and I feel for the dude. That special they showed on NBC before the Super Bowl… dude, it was amazing. I cried.

Good luck next season, man. I know the Black and Gold is gonna make it back to the big show. I’m pulling for you dudes all the way.

Sincerely,

Sam Terito

A Letter to Robert Zemeckis

Dear Robert Zemeckis,

First of all, I’m a really big fan. And Ok, I’m going to be completely honest here. Back To The Future is probably one of the greatest films ever made. I know you did a lot of other great things in film, notably Forrest Gump, Cast Away – even Who Framed Roger Rabbit? All amazingly awesome movies. Cast Away might have been a little long, but seriously, I still dug it. Also, my Dad always said “Was it really necessary to kill Jenny” in Forrest Gump, but that too, I understood the whole thing and it really poured on that innocence in Forrest’s character. I saw it twice in theaters and literally everyone in there was crying….which is a little unsettling. But I got it, you know?

But watching Back to the Future again the other day, I picked up on a ton of things I didn’t really catch in all the years I’ve seen this movie. First of all, it’s such a quotable film. I know you probably don’t have people coming up to say this one to you, but one of my faves is “Biff, you’re breaking his arm!” I wish I could tell you why. I think Lorraine’s delivery is the kicker there. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t see how Biff could break his arm like that. I mean, I guess he could really break his arm like that, but still. It all worked out. One punch later, and Marty is saved. Except for I guess when that dude cuts in on their dance and Marty’s hand starts to disappear, but for the most part, the conflict of Marty’s existence is beginning to wrap up.

Anyway, when Marty and Doc are walking through Hill Valley High, and trying to figure out how to get the McFly’s together, Doc sees a poster for the Enchantment Under The Sea dance, and goes “Look, There’ a rhythmic ceremonial ritual coming up!” I seriously laughed pretty good there. Like cracked up. Never noticed that one before. And later, Marty goes to Doc’s house and he’s showing him that model. He goes “Now, let me show you the plan for you sending you home. Please excuse the crudity of this model – I didn’t have time to build it to scale or to paint it.” Marty goes “It’s good” and Doc goes “Oh thank you, thank you.” A line like that, I just lost my shit. Good stuff that I remember kind of happening the first million times I saw this movie, but I really just picked up on.

I guess I just wondered who came up with that line. Was it in the script, or was it sort of ad-libbed? I guess I also wondered why Marty didn’t just run away from Biff during the diner scene, instead of needing the skate board. Seems like he’d have been a little more elusive on foot. Also, Billy Zane was being a pretty huge dick to Marty there, throwing that shit at him like that. But regardless, I guess it added to the intensity of the scene. And Biff and his crew (Billy Zane included) got their just rewards for being such assholes to poor Marty when they ran into the manure truck.

Either way, great film. One of my favorites of all time. I’m still going to keep quoting it. Especially lines like “Flux capacitor…fluxing” and “RONALD REAGAN?! THE ACTOR?! And who’s the vice president? Jerry Lewis?!” Listen, one thing. Please don’t let anyone ever remake this movie. For some reason, movie execs are chomping at the bit to get these mega hits remade. Like Ferris Beuller. I saw somewhere they were going to remake that. God, that would suck. I even read they were remaking RoboCop. If they redo Back To The Future, I’m just gonna lose all hope in modern cinema. Just thought I’d tell you that. One fans perspective but I’m pretty sure I’m not alone there.

Anyways, thanks so much for the movies.

Sincerely,

Sam Terito

A Letter to Garth Brooks

Dear Mr. Brooks,

First of all, let me start by saying I’m a really big fan. The first dance I ever went to, I literally danced to “The Dance”. It’s ironic really. Because if you’d have written a song called “Lean Against The Wall And Just Look Around At People”, it would have probably more accurately described the situation. But that’s not a very catchy title, and to be honest, I think Nashville would have probably scoffed at something like that.

You know, something about you I find very interesting is that you’re a bona fide superstar but you haven’t really had a gigantic major hit in recent memory. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. In fact, it’s really pretty amazing actually. To sell millions and millions of albums and then just sort of stop chasing it, get comfortable and retire – that’s incredible. I can’t think of anybody else out there that has ever done that. Instead, they get obsessed with the chase (pardon the pun), and ultimately destroy themselves. But not you. And to be completely honest with you, that’s awesome.

Something I’ve always wanted to ask you… I am an LSU alum and have gone to football home games on a fairly regular basis my entire life. Right before kickoff, they play “Callin’ Baton Rouge” and play a montage of Cajun themed culture memes, pictures of the campus, pictures of the State Capital building on the jumbotron, etc. I just wondered if you knew that. My wife reminded me that you played three shows in a row here in the 1990’s. That’s a lot of shows in a row for this town. And on your live album, it’s the first track. So I would think that someone ran that by you – that they play it at every home game. I really just wanted to know if you knew it. And if so, are you cool with that?

Anyways, thanks for your time. And thanks for the great country hits. You’re a pretty cool guy.

Sincerely,

Sam Terito